I'll start with a short synopsis of where God has taken me over the last number of years:
- November 2013 - I reconnected with a friend of mine over coffee. His name is Greg.
- December 2013 - We decided to make it official and started dating.
- February 2014 - Greg asked me to be his wife. I said yes! 😍
- October 2014 - We bought our first house together!!
- April 2015 - We said, "I do!" and signed the papers!!! And I gained a 6-year-old son!!
- May 2015 - We celebrated our nuptials looking spiffy in an outdoor reception by the water, with a pig roast!
- June 2015 - Celebrated our honeymoon in Newfoundland, where Greg showed me around, and I was able to meet many of his family members!
- September (maybe?) 2015 - we found out we were pregnant! 👶 Greg got me a test because he said I was, even though I didn't fully believe him until I saw the 2 lines appear on the stick!
- March 2016 - Our healthy baby girl was born 2 weeks early!
- January 2017 - and here we are...
All that being said, though, it wasn't that way from the beginning... When the nurse first placed her on my chest, I didn't feel a bond with her at all. I didn't feel a love for her, even though I carried her, felt her move and grow for 9 months. I felt like a HORRIBLE mother... how could someone not love their own child?! I knew that I needed to feed her and change her diapers, so I did it, but honestly not because I wanted to... it was because I HAD to. When she cried I cringed, because I was in pain, I didn't want to move, and because I honestly felt like she was a little alien I didn't know. It took a few weeks for me to start feeling like I understood her and that there was a growing bond between us. I started to love and understand her more and more as the days and weeks went by. I would say it took almost a month for me to really feel a connection to her, and to actually be able to say I loved her and mean it! During the first few weeks, I would tell her I loved her, but it was just words. I said it because I wanted it to still enter into her little ears and be implanted in her developing brain, even if they were just words at the time. And the whole time I knew I meant it, but I didn't necessarily feel it. I just kept thinking, "Speak life and love over her." So I did.
What I've learned through all that is that I wasn't alone! And there are SO many new moms that feel the exact same way! I've heard of Postpartum Depression, but I never really knew or heard anyone who struggled with it. And to be honest, it doesn't always just end after a month or 2... there are still some days that it hits me, but thankfully I've been able to take hold of it, and kick it to the curb most of those days! Life with a baby isn't always "Easy peasy lemon squeezy" (as a former coworker used to say. Lol!), and there are some days, to be brutally honest, that the thought of being mothering is tiring. BUT then she looks at me with her beautiful, big blue eyes, does her squishy face smile, and plants an open-mouthed wet one on my arm, and I melt. I simply melt. And all of the tiring thoughts dissipate and I'm left smiling and giving big squishy hugs to my little monster!
You know, one of the things that helped me the most, and still continues to help me to this day, is those friends that are still there despite me not really communicating with them due to the busyness of this season of life, or those that I can honestly say I can go to via text or phone call when I'm feeling pretty blah. Unfortunately there are a number of people that have fallen off the face of my earth when it comes to friends, and it hurt... a lot... I thought I had friends who would be there to help out, offer to babysit, or even come and just chill, but sadly I have discovered who my few treasured friends truly are. And as hard and sad as it is, I am thankful that I now know the people who can be trusted, and are committed to a friendship.
I'm just going to throw this out there.... if you know anyone who is having a baby, or has had a baby, PLEASE don't let their silence make you think they don't want to talk, or need help. Tell them (don't just offer because an offer can be easily forgotten or pushed aside in the Mama's mind as "they don't really mean it") that you're coming over this time on this day and making dinner for them, or to do their laundry, or to watch the baby while Mama naps, or to sit in silence and watch tv with the new Mama as she feeds and cuddles the baby. Sometimes it's not about needing to do anything extremely extravagant in your eyes, but a simple task that Mama may not have the time or energy to do.
And also, keep in contact with that new Mama, even if she doesn't text you back, because honestly in my experience, a simple text of "Just thinking of you and wanted to say you're doing a great job raising baby!" means SO much!
So there it is. A first-hand look at being a new mama!
