...a day

You know the days...

         the one's where you feel blah...

         the one's where you say a few things through the day just so you don't seem too quiet...

         the one's where if the wrong thing is said to you, you just may snap (this one may have almost happened a few times, but I bit my tongue)...

         the one's where you do laugh a few times (because when funny things happen, how could you not?) and those giggles are sincere...

...and those days where you want a sincere hug and a friend, but if that hug were to come, you'd just break into pieces?

                            Yeah.... that was my day. 

Correction. That is my day.

But, like the Mommy I need to be right now, I am going to pull it together and do some decorating for Christmas so my baby girl can be excited about the so-nos (snowmen) around the house.

Three days...

It's been three days now since I woke up "with that feeling".
Three days since I called my doctor's office and they told me to go to emerg.
Three days since I waited for what seemed like forever to see a doctor.
Three days since I had all those tests.
Three days since the doctor came and sat on the end of the bed and said that I was indeed having a miscarriage...

3 days.... and yet my life didn't stop, couldn't stop -- I have a 18 month old to care for.

My boss was so gracious, and told me not to come in the rest of the week. I am so thankful for that!

I went out the day after to pick up laundry detergent because I figured I could at least do some laundry while I was at home.
         

          I got in the car, I was fine.

          I drove to the store, and I was fine.
          I stepped out of the car, and my heart stopped for a moment...
          I walked into the store, and my breath caught....

The world was going on as normal, but mine felt like it was going slow motion. No one knew what was going on inside, not only physically but emotionally. No one knew by looking at me.

And it hit me, we REALLY have no idea what silent battles people are going through!! The statement, "Be nice to people because you have no idea what battles they're facing" became true to me in a new way.

I have had my moments over the last few days, which I give myself permission to have. And I know I will continue to have my moments, and I hope you will be gracious with me as I do, but I do truly hope and pray that this helps me become a better human being -- that I would be kinder to people because I don't know what kind of day/situation they're coming from, and maybe my smile could make their day just that much better.

And maybe you will take this challenge too, and not be too quick to judge, or offer that snide remark because maybe you could brighten someone's day!

Bucket List (As I update, I'll bump it!)

I decided to update my bucket list that I posted a number of years ago!

 ✔ Receive a promise ring (Ok so, I checked this one because even though I didn't receive a promise ring per se, I did receive a gorgeous engagement ring, which in my books, counts!)

 ✔ Go an entire day without using technology (I still used lights and other hydro HOWEVER I did not watch tv, or use a computer, iPad or phone)

 - Kiss under mistletoe.

 - Buy a homeless person a Christmas present.

 - Throw a dart at a map and travel wherever it lands.

 - Go to England, Ireland and Scotland.

 - Ride in a hot air balloon.

 - Watch a sunrise/sunset with the love of my life.

 ✔ Donate my hair.

 - Go on an Alaskan Disney cruise.

 - Own a pet skunk.

 ✔ Wear a beautiful wedding dress.

 ✔ Have a baby.

 - Make a difference in this world.

 - Follow the path that God has planned for me.

 ✔ Get butterflies in my stomach when I know he's "the one".

 - Get in a taxi and yell, "Follow that car!"

 - See a whale in the ocean.

 - Visit Guatemala again.

 - Have a song dedicated to me.

 - Read the entire Bible.

 - Slow dance in the rain.

 - Stand on top of a mountain.

 - Lie on my back with my love beside me, stargazing and singing together.

 - See a show on Broadway. Wicked or Rent would be ideal, but I'm open to almost anything!

✔ Say, "I do". 

 - Pay for a stranger's groceries/order at a restaurant

 - Have a food fight.

 - Go zip lining.

 - Walk across a suspension bridge in a forest.

 - Be an inspiration for someone.

 - Be in 2 places at once.

 - Visit all 7 continents 

• ✔ Africa! I had the privilege of going to South Africa on a mission trip a few years ago

• ✔ North America! I do live here after all! And I think Guatemala would be included here as well

• ✔ South America! I went on an exchange program to Paraguay for 4 months in high school

• ✔ Europe! In high school I also had the privilege to go to France, Greece, Spain and Italy

• ✔ Australia! While I was in university, a friend of mine was studying in Australia, so it was the perfect opportunity for a vacation! 

• ✖ Asia

• ✖ Antarctica 

 - Skydive.

 - Be a part of a flash mob.

 - See the northern lights.

 - Be the change I wish to see.

 ✔ See someone come to Christ that I have witnessed to, and see them mature in their relationship with Him. (I've seen a friend give her life to God, but unfortunately due to tragic events, we don't speak as much as I'd like to, so I'm not too sure how she's doing)

✔ See a moose in real life (To date I have seen 1 in Northern Ontario, and 4 in Newfoundland!)

- Fly in a small plane. I've only ever been on huge 747s (and the like)

- Hang out with and care for elephants at a sanctuary! I love these creatures!!

- Go to an all inclusive resort with my husband and a married couple or 2!
- Go on an Alaskan Disney cruise, and another cruise with Greg

a little rant....

I've been hmm-ing and haw-ing about whether to write this post, but here it is...


PEOPLE, GET A FREAKIN' LIFE!!


Phew! That feels better!


Now, that being said, let me explain...

When it came for the American elections, people were going nutso over who to vote for and blah blah blah. And then when Trump won, all hell broke loose! I still think all hell would have broken loose had Hilary won anyways, but whatever. Now that Trump is in office, people can't stop bashing him. With all my personal opinions about him aside, this bashing NEEDS TO STOP!! Do I think there could have maybe been a better candidates who could have run for President and won? Yes. However, Trump is the President of the United States of America. The likelihood of him being overthrown is very minimal, especially since there's been an awful lot of talk, and from what I know, not a whole lot of action taken place for this to happen. So maybe, just maybe, instead of the constant bashing and negativity, how about more positivity and dare I say it prayer over him as the President of a nation!

Now, being that I am Canadian, (and proud to be, I might add!) I also have my own personal opinions about our Prime Minister. Whatever my feelings are of Trudeau, I CHOOSE to pray for him and his decisions regarding the nation that I live in. Why? Because what good will my constant negativity and belittling about him do? Nothing. It's not like my thoughts are going to somehow transfer to him. However, my prayers DO have the power to change things, because my God is good like that! And not only do I pray for Trudeau to make good decisions for Canada, I also pray for Trump to make good decisions for America.



Really, I think people need to start focusing on their own lives, and stop bashing other people's decisions. Whether it comes to parenting decisions such as co-sleeping vs. sleeping in own room or baby led weaning vs. purees, or one's thoughts on is it ok for a mother to kiss their child on the lips, or a grown man to kiss his father on the lips (this is one that just came to my attention... Tom Brady). Personally, I think so many things that people end up getting worked up about, and feel that they are right and everyone else is wrong, are ridiculous!! If your life is so horrible or boring or whatever that you have to bash other people's decisions, maybe you should fix that! Start living your OWN life, and stop focusing on the small details of life that in reality have no significance!



In conclusion:
Pray. Pray for our leaders. Those at the national level, the provincial level, and the local level.
Get a life! Stop focusing on other people's lives and decisions, and start living your own life!



Rant complete.

Trusting's hard... but God.Is.Good!

I feel like I'm in a stressful time of not knowing what's to come. My maternity leave is almost up, and I'm without a job. It's terrifying! Not knowing where the finances will come from, or how all the bills that come with owning a home will be paid, or where the food is going to come from to feed my family. It's terrifying!

BUT...

I'm learning, once again, to trust God. To trust that He has a plan for me and my family, one that I cannot see from where I'm standing right now. He's provided for us in SO many ways over the last couple years, and I know that He will yet again.

Oh, but trusting is hard!!

I've been applying to a crazy amount of jobs, ones I desire to pursue and ones I dread working at, but will suffice until I find my dream job. Nothing is holding me back! NOTHING!! I will continue to do my part, and I know He will provide. 

I feel like there's 2 parts of me in my head right now:

          A: He will provide! Trust!

          B: But trusting's hard....

          A: He will provide! TRUST!!

          B: But trusting is SO hard!

          A: HE. WILL. PROVIDE. T.R.U.S.T. TRUST!!!!!

Despite the fact that I've had a relationship with God for many years, I still struggle with trusting Him. Is that horrible of me? I don't think so. I think it shows that I'm human and there is a reason and a true need for me to have a relationship with God. However, do I still get down on myself for not trusting despite all the times God has come through for me? Yeah.... but I'm continuing to learn to ask for forgiveness for my lack of trust. 

Oh how I love the peace that washes over me the moment I apologize for not trusting. God is good.

God.

Is.

Good!

Despite my circumstances, and how nothing outside of myself has changed, (I didn't just get a phone call saying I'm now the newest employee of ____, although that would be nice!) when I talk to God (like a friend I might add) everything inside me changes. 

I started writing feeling down on myself and with so much worry, but I'm ending it feeling a peace within my soul that can only come from God.

Thank you, Lord!

A first-hand look

My husband started a blog the other day, and I decided that it was time to update mine! Where this post is going to go is up in the air, but let's see what happens, shall we?

I'll start with a short synopsis of where God has taken me over the last number of years:

• November 2013 - I reconnected with a friend of mine over coffee. His name is Greg.
• December 2013 - We decided to make it official and started dating.
• February 2014 - Greg asked me to be his wife. I said yes! 😍
• October 2014 - We bought our first house together!!
• April 2015 - We said, "I do!" and signed the papers!!! And I gained a 6-year-old son!! 
• May 2015 - We celebrated our nuptials looking spiffy in an outdoor reception by the water, with a pig roast! 
• June 2015 - Celebrated our honeymoon in Newfoundland, where Greg showed me around, and I was able to meet many of his family members! 
• September (maybe?) 2015 - we found out we were pregnant! 👶 Greg got me a test because he said I was, even though I didn't fully believe him until I saw the 2 lines appear on the stick!
• March 2016 - Our healthy baby girl was born 2 weeks early!
• January 2017 - and here we are...

You know, I never believed people when they said that your love for your kids will grow day by day, and that you will love them beyond comprehension! But I'm here to say 10 months into the journey of motherhood that it is true!!! My love for my baby girl grows everyday as she learns and grows and does new, fun and even terrifying things as she learns about the world around her! Her smile, giggle, and tiny voice is the sweetest thing in my day!

All that being said, though, it wasn't that way from the beginning... When the nurse first placed her on my chest, I didn't feel a bond with her at all. I didn't feel a love for her, even though I carried her, felt her move and grow for 9 months. I felt like a HORRIBLE mother... how could someone not love their own child?! I knew that I needed to feed her and change her diapers, so I did it, but honestly not because I wanted to... it was because I HAD to. When she cried I cringed, because I was in pain, I didn't want to move, and because I honestly felt like she was a little alien I didn't know. It took a few weeks for me to start feeling like I understood her and that there was a growing bond between us. I started to love and understand her more and more as the days and weeks went by. I would say it took almost a month for me to really feel a connection to her, and to actually be able to say I loved her and mean it! During the first few weeks, I would tell her I loved her, but it was just words. I said it because I wanted it to still enter into her little ears and be implanted in her developing brain, even if they were just words at the time. And the whole time I knew I meant it, but I didn't necessarily feel it. I just kept thinking, "Speak life and love over her." So I did.

What I've learned through all that is that I wasn't alone! And there are SO many new moms that feel the exact same way! I've heard of Postpartum Depression, but I never really knew or heard anyone who struggled with it. And to be honest, it doesn't always just end after a month or 2... there are still some days that it hits me, but thankfully I've been able to take hold of it, and kick it to the curb most of those days! Life with a baby isn't always "Easy peasy lemon squeezy" (as a former coworker used to say. Lol!), and there are some days, to be brutally honest, that the thought of being mothering is tiring. BUT then she looks at me with her beautiful, big blue eyes, does her squishy face smile, and plants an open-mouthed wet one on my arm, and I melt. I simply melt. And all of the tiring thoughts dissipate and I'm left smiling and giving big squishy hugs to my little monster!

You know, one of the things that helped me the most, and still continues to help me to this day, is those friends that are still there despite me not really communicating with them due to the busyness of this season of life, or those that I can honestly say I can go to via text or phone call when I'm feeling pretty blah. Unfortunately there are a number of people that have fallen off the face of my earth when it comes to friends, and it hurt... a lot... I thought I had friends who would be there to help out, offer to babysit, or even come and just chill, but sadly I have discovered who my few treasured friends truly are. And as hard and sad as it is, I am thankful that I now know the people who can be trusted, and are committed to a friendship.

I'm just going to throw this out there.... if you know anyone who is having a baby, or has had a baby, PLEASE don't let their silence make you think they don't want to talk, or need help. Tell them (don't just offer because an offer can be easily forgotten or pushed aside in the Mama's mind as "they don't really mean it") that you're coming over this time on this day and making dinner for them, or to do their laundry, or to watch the baby while Mama naps, or to sit in silence and watch tv with the new Mama as she feeds and cuddles the baby. Sometimes it's not about needing to do anything extremely extravagant in your eyes, but a simple task that Mama may not have the time or energy to do.
And also, keep in contact with that new Mama, even if she doesn't text you back, because honestly in my experience, a simple text of "Just thinking of you and wanted to say you're doing a great job raising baby!" means SO much!

So there it is. A first-hand look at being a new mama!