Three days...

It's been three days now since I woke up "with that feeling".
Three days since I called my doctor's office and they told me to go to emerg.
Three days since I waited for what seemed like forever to see a doctor.
Three days since I had all those tests.
Three days since the doctor came and sat on the end of the bed and said that I was indeed having a miscarriage...

3 days.... and yet my life didn't stop, couldn't stop -- I have a 18 month old to care for.

My boss was so gracious, and told me not to come in the rest of the week. I am so thankful for that!

I went out the day after to pick up laundry detergent because I figured I could at least do some laundry while I was at home.
         

          I got in the car, I was fine.

          I drove to the store, and I was fine.
          I stepped out of the car, and my heart stopped for a moment...
          I walked into the store, and my breath caught....

The world was going on as normal, but mine felt like it was going slow motion. No one knew what was going on inside, not only physically but emotionally. No one knew by looking at me.

And it hit me, we REALLY have no idea what silent battles people are going through!! The statement, "Be nice to people because you have no idea what battles they're facing" became true to me in a new way.

I have had my moments over the last few days, which I give myself permission to have. And I know I will continue to have my moments, and I hope you will be gracious with me as I do, but I do truly hope and pray that this helps me become a better human being -- that I would be kinder to people because I don't know what kind of day/situation they're coming from, and maybe my smile could make their day just that much better.

And maybe you will take this challenge too, and not be too quick to judge, or offer that snide remark because maybe you could brighten someone's day!

A first-hand look

My husband started a blog the other day, and I decided that it was time to update mine! Where this post is going to go is up in the air, but let's see what happens, shall we?

I'll start with a short synopsis of where God has taken me over the last number of years:

• November 2013 - I reconnected with a friend of mine over coffee. His name is Greg.
• December 2013 - We decided to make it official and started dating.
• February 2014 - Greg asked me to be his wife. I said yes! 😍
• October 2014 - We bought our first house together!!
• April 2015 - We said, "I do!" and signed the papers!!! And I gained a 6-year-old son!! 
• May 2015 - We celebrated our nuptials looking spiffy in an outdoor reception by the water, with a pig roast! 
• June 2015 - Celebrated our honeymoon in Newfoundland, where Greg showed me around, and I was able to meet many of his family members! 
• September (maybe?) 2015 - we found out we were pregnant! 👶 Greg got me a test because he said I was, even though I didn't fully believe him until I saw the 2 lines appear on the stick!
• March 2016 - Our healthy baby girl was born 2 weeks early!
• January 2017 - and here we are...

You know, I never believed people when they said that your love for your kids will grow day by day, and that you will love them beyond comprehension! But I'm here to say 10 months into the journey of motherhood that it is true!!! My love for my baby girl grows everyday as she learns and grows and does new, fun and even terrifying things as she learns about the world around her! Her smile, giggle, and tiny voice is the sweetest thing in my day!

All that being said, though, it wasn't that way from the beginning... When the nurse first placed her on my chest, I didn't feel a bond with her at all. I didn't feel a love for her, even though I carried her, felt her move and grow for 9 months. I felt like a HORRIBLE mother... how could someone not love their own child?! I knew that I needed to feed her and change her diapers, so I did it, but honestly not because I wanted to... it was because I HAD to. When she cried I cringed, because I was in pain, I didn't want to move, and because I honestly felt like she was a little alien I didn't know. It took a few weeks for me to start feeling like I understood her and that there was a growing bond between us. I started to love and understand her more and more as the days and weeks went by. I would say it took almost a month for me to really feel a connection to her, and to actually be able to say I loved her and mean it! During the first few weeks, I would tell her I loved her, but it was just words. I said it because I wanted it to still enter into her little ears and be implanted in her developing brain, even if they were just words at the time. And the whole time I knew I meant it, but I didn't necessarily feel it. I just kept thinking, "Speak life and love over her." So I did.

What I've learned through all that is that I wasn't alone! And there are SO many new moms that feel the exact same way! I've heard of Postpartum Depression, but I never really knew or heard anyone who struggled with it. And to be honest, it doesn't always just end after a month or 2... there are still some days that it hits me, but thankfully I've been able to take hold of it, and kick it to the curb most of those days! Life with a baby isn't always "Easy peasy lemon squeezy" (as a former coworker used to say. Lol!), and there are some days, to be brutally honest, that the thought of being mothering is tiring. BUT then she looks at me with her beautiful, big blue eyes, does her squishy face smile, and plants an open-mouthed wet one on my arm, and I melt. I simply melt. And all of the tiring thoughts dissipate and I'm left smiling and giving big squishy hugs to my little monster!

You know, one of the things that helped me the most, and still continues to help me to this day, is those friends that are still there despite me not really communicating with them due to the busyness of this season of life, or those that I can honestly say I can go to via text or phone call when I'm feeling pretty blah. Unfortunately there are a number of people that have fallen off the face of my earth when it comes to friends, and it hurt... a lot... I thought I had friends who would be there to help out, offer to babysit, or even come and just chill, but sadly I have discovered who my few treasured friends truly are. And as hard and sad as it is, I am thankful that I now know the people who can be trusted, and are committed to a friendship.

I'm just going to throw this out there.... if you know anyone who is having a baby, or has had a baby, PLEASE don't let their silence make you think they don't want to talk, or need help. Tell them (don't just offer because an offer can be easily forgotten or pushed aside in the Mama's mind as "they don't really mean it") that you're coming over this time on this day and making dinner for them, or to do their laundry, or to watch the baby while Mama naps, or to sit in silence and watch tv with the new Mama as she feeds and cuddles the baby. Sometimes it's not about needing to do anything extremely extravagant in your eyes, but a simple task that Mama may not have the time or energy to do.
And also, keep in contact with that new Mama, even if she doesn't text you back, because honestly in my experience, a simple text of "Just thinking of you and wanted to say you're doing a great job raising baby!" means SO much!

So there it is. A first-hand look at being a new mama!